Men, Let’s Talk
Helping Men Find Their Way
Why are men feeling lost?
Ever since I turned my focus to coaching, I’ve thought a lot about how to help men. I’ve long admired the support networks that women build for themselves, but men’s attempts to do the same have often left me feeling skeptical, or, at least unfulfilled.
Take the men’s movement, for example. Starting with Robert Bly’s iconic Iron John in 1990—a book I recently re-read—many efforts to support men seem rooted in a longing to return to a bygone era. Bly looks back to initiation rites and points a finger at the rift between fathers and sons, and the inability of modern culture to provide a suitable audience.
Robert Bly, courtesy of Getty Images
Bly critiques the decline of intergenerational relationships, lamenting the loss of “old initiators”—grandfathers, mentors, or male elders—who once helped sons break away from their parents. Without these relationships, he argues, boys are left adrift, filling the resulting void with “demons” that distort their view of themselves and their fathers.
Bly’s, and many of his descendants’, solution is that men have to come together in small groups to heal this trauma.
Bly writes how this trauma plays out at work.
Contemporary business life allows competitive relationships only, in which the major emotions are anxiety, tension, loneliness, rivalry, and fear. After work what do men do? Collect in a bar to hold light conversations over light beer, unities which are broken off whenever a young woman comes by or touches the brim of someone’s cowboy hat. Having no soul union with other men can be the most damaging wound of all.
Bly’s solution—bringing men together in small groups to heal trauma—has merit, but critics argue it often reinforces outdated stereotypes. His critics say his approach is exclusionary, perpetuates harmful stereotypes, and fails to confront toxic masculinity.
Today, figures like Jordan Peterson echo some of Bly’s themes and offer answers that resonate with men’s frustrations. The allure of such an approach is clear. Many men feel desperate, and for good reason as we’ll see below. It is easier to act out of rage and fear or frustration, to blame others for our own predicament than to take responsibility for who we are and our predicament.
We need a new approach that works for today’s environment, not some mythical past we are not going back to. We need a renewed focus on what each individual wants, not what an archetype looks like. And we need an approach that does not view the world through a winners and losers, a fixed-pie, lens. In short, we need a man’s movement based on a growth mindset.
From a coaching perspective, this looks like:
Viewing life’s challenges as opportunities for positive action.
Helping men escape the trap of reacting from fear or anger.
Acknowledging that each man will have his own version of fulfillment
Providing men with the tools they need to define and manifest those goals.
Encouraging men to have more “real” relationships with other men—not based on competition or shallow interactions, but on vulnerability and mutual support.
The Reality Beneath the Surface
At first glance, men appear to be thriving.
Over 70% of Congress is male.
90% of Fortune 500 CEOs are male.
But dig deeper, and the picture becomes more complicated.
As of August 2024, only 89% of men aged 25-34 were in the labor force—a decline of over 700,000 compared to 2004 levels. Meanwhile, women’s participation in the same age group has surged by 6 percentage points, reaching 79%. (Wall Street Journal, as quoted by evidencebasedmentoring.org)
In 2023, 20% of men aged 25-34 were still living with their parents, compared to just 12% of women.
Women are outpacing men in education: 47% of women aged 25-34 hold a bachelor’s degree, compared to just 37% of men (Pew Research Center).
Men are also less likely to seek help.
Studies show that life coaching clients skew 60-70% female.
While corporate-sponsored executive coaching tends to favor men, private coaching clients are overwhelmingly female.
Similarly, 58% of therapy clients are women (International Coaching Federation).
This isn’t just about work or education. Men face higher rates of loneliness, substance abuse, suicide, and violent crime. In the face of such desperation, its no surprise many men turn to figures like Jordan Peterson.
Men want answers.. But coaching isn’t about giving answers—it’s about asking questions. It’s about helping clients uncover what they want, not imposing outdated notions of masculinity. After all, what halcyon day are we trying to return to? Suicide rates for men have been disproportionately high since the 1950s. If anything, men have been struggling for decades.
Three Types of Men
In my coaching practice, I’ve started thinking about men in three broad categories. These aren’t scientific distinctions, but they help me consider how to best support them:
The Seekers
These men are thriving professionally and have a “growth mindset.” They actively seek personal development, are open to tools like therapy or coaching, and understand that fulfillment requires inner work.The Traditionalists
These men are also economically stable but rigid in their perspectives. They cling to traditional ideas of masculinity and success, often without questioning whether those ideals bring true contentment. They are less likely to introspect or seek help but may unknowingly model unproductive behaviors for others.The Disempowered
This group feels left behind—economically, emotionally, or both. They often believe the system is rigged against them, leaving them feeling powerless and disconnected. They may respond to their stress in two ways:Apathy: For example, retreating into video games or other escapist behaviors.
Anger: Blaming other groups or external forces for their struggles.
The good news? Neither Traditionalists nor the Disempowered have to stay stuck. The first step is admitting they want something better for themselves.
Why Men’s Journeys Are Unique
This brings me to a question I’ve wrestled with: How is helping men different from helping women?
The destination is often the same—fulfillment, purpose, and self-defined success. But the starting points are different. We cannot deny the impact of gender norms on how we are raised and what we believe is possible for ourselves. Broadly speaking, men and women face unique challenges and conditioning on their journeys to fulfillment.
This is why I’ve started considering how I can scale my efforts to help men. Most of my clients today are men, many attracted to me because of my tech background. These men trust that I understand their world. But my approach—helping clients define their goals, clear blocks, and manifest their intentions—isn’t inherently gendered. So what would a coaching group for men look like?
It took me a while to find an answer I was comfortable with: while the process of coaching is the same for men and women, the context—the stories we tell ourselves, the obstacles we face—often differs. For men, these obstacles often include rigid ideas of masculinity, fear of vulnerability, and a lack of supportive communities.
My Personal Journey
I know this because I’ve been there.
A year ago, despite a long and successful tech career, I felt Disempowered. I had lost a job I truly valued, and the job market left me uninspired. For the first time in years, I paused to reflect. I admitted I was stuck, but I also allowed myself to dream. I thought about my mission, my goals, and what I truly wanted for myself.
I had an identity as an executive. I loved saying the word. It made me feel important, and it made me feel like I had reached some kind of pinnacle in my career, where I could say I had reached the top. Some of that was real, but most of it was in response to some inner voices telling me I never reached potential. That voice never asked me whether I was fulfilled and happy.
Furthermore, my life had the accoutrements of success. A nice apartment in a fancy neighborhood. Lots of international travel and fancy food. How would I find a partner if I didn’t have the accouterments of financial success?
This identity was, of course, hollow. I had never asked myself what I truly wanted from life, what was really important to my soul. In some sense, I was keeping up appearances.
Letting go of my old identity wasn’t easy, but it was the first step toward becoming a Seeker. I couldn’t begin the process without thinking deeply about what was meaningful to me. Slowly, I began to pursue a new path: helping people through coaching, or, as I say in my mission statement, Helping good people win.
I hired a coach. (Don’t worry, I had already done years of therapy.)
I went for a certification.
I hung a new shingle and turned down opportunities that didn’t fit my mission.
I moved apartments and neighborhoods.
And slowly, I did the most important thing of all: I transformed who I was, letting go of baggage that didn’t serve me, and embracing new ways of being.
A colleague recently asked me when in life I was happiest. My answer was immediate: right now.
The First Step
You can have your dream life, too. But it starts with a simple act: pause, breathe, and reflect.
Ask yourself:
Are you satisfied with where you are?
Are you ready to become a Seeker?
If so, I’d love to hear from you.
